say it with me` I will always be gracious` I will always be gracious` I will always be gracious` This really isnt a small world` but keep your karma in line` and good things will happen` even if I dont know what to do with it` I will always be gracious`

more for the geminis

with all these more-than-coinsidence connections, Im not even baffled- Im meeting people under odd circumstances that I know I knew in a past life- at least- and they agree, its mutual. And I've got some crazy cosmic draw to Geminis And virgos are angry and inspiring. I could even stand a cigarette with a Cancer. And I will never date an Aquarius again. Im awake! and I keep thinking: those Geminis... I just want to bite all their necks, not to hard, but leave a little mark, just to say, hey, I appriciate what your doing for my mind, I appriciate my frustration with you and the fact that your pants are still on, thanks...- Today, my favorite Gemini and I tried to sell some books, and on the way we did the "freestyle poetry" thing. When he says something beautiful, he moves his hands alot. I tell him to write that down. he put his hands to his chest and looked at me, I replyed: We crawl over old words like dead bodies, and make something new from it, when we make words, all order is reversed, rocks tumble up and smoke billows down.... We're talking about writing a book together. fucking Geminis.... your beautiful.

Im always saying to myself, Im not committed... Why do I have to plan on going insane? Two weeks notice- at least- because I DO care about some of these people, its that mutual feeling, people care about me, so I guilt myself into caring back. I WANT OUT. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Before I slip back into that winter drug routine. It doesnt even scare me right now. And thats scary. I want to get high. But I CANT. because Im COMMITTED. How did this happen? How am I so childish... but so adult that I have to plan on being spontanious? This is bullshit. This place is bullshit. ROLES are bullshit. And I know this... So how did I fall into it? I want to find a 3k diamond. I want that clippers and a post it note feeling again. I want to be angry. Im too ok with this.

The 'i heart yous' are wispered through sleep- I think back: ~lets go somewhere~, lets just take the money and leave, two bus tickets to New Mexico, ---- then we can dance over the border.- and work our way down... eventually to the right.- Really darling, you mean alot to me, ----- ~get me the fuck out of here.~- I was half dreaming with you right behind me- again.... blue ponies- words arnt pushed through when it comes to you- no grader needed- even when you cant say it right- I understand- and when you cant even say- darling- I know what your thinking- please, get me out of here.- you choked down everything unsettled in me- its almost gone- Im ready- lets just be.... - anywhere- lets get. the . fuck . out of here.........

kissing is strange

Quickly- We were waiting for the east bound max- man comes running in circles with a bottle of rum- he was dressed nice- a girl with wild hair came stumbling after- she tried to seem angry but she wasnt, they fell into each other, and kissed, I forgot that people can see you when you see them, I thought they were beautiful,- she looked at us and told us we were beautiful, it was probably just the lighting - she asked me, "where did you get your bag? Old navy? (no) gap? (no) hollister?" (ah! no!)- I went in there once and they looked at me like I was insane, I just was walking by and liked the smell. -I told her, "second hand", she said something like "ah right, second hand, see... thats it, thats good..." her and the boy mouth raped each other again and stumbled off, I really liked that girl's hair.--- I kissed a girl on a street corner with green eyes and hair like that once,- a passing car yelled obscenities at us and she pulled me closer and wrapped one leg around me twice.---- Where does the instinct to push our eating holes together and get off on it come from anyways?

The hot ones, get off on themselves- not nessisarily all over, they dont even have to be naked, and they can have peircings or tattoos... or not.- Im okay with between your legs and staying right there for now, and I think your okay with it too.- Even if the possibilities we talked about were more than possibilities, Im okay with just talking about them for now, even if there were more options.- Maybe the next step scares me- maybe Im scared of getting off- maybe not- maybe Im afraid of losing my inspiration- like it will all pop out in one big bubble of thought when an orgasm comes- and Im afraid I'll forget before I write it down- maybe Im afraid the possibilities will make new overwhelming ideas-because they're different ideas- maybe thats why I'm just writing about it. Chewing Ice... sex isnt that frustrating right now, it will be later- It'll be fucking angry- but Im okay with right now. Muse me like you said you I muse you. "put it in my hand and tell me how much pressure it takes to get you off..."

warner bros.

Some random things happened, we smoked alot of cigerettes and got nothing done, we told each other what we've done and what we're trying to do, over waffles and fiz I said, "You know, the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results..." "I didnt know that... well then Whiley Coyote is one sane pup" says kyle, "he never did the same thing twice, and he always got the same result." Do you think warner bros. meant it that way? a play on the mind... do you think they're waiting for someone to understand what that says about life? Do you have any idea how many people really do understand???? How many brilliant ideas never get out there because they dont have the means or they simply dont know how to say it? Its not fair.

8 hours of bullshitting- sip- drag-sip-drag- I bit a fake pearl- and then I smoked it down- I know what I want, but I wont write it- because I know whos reading this------- fuck it, I'll just say it, I want it rough- Im starting to think my thought process is a little to connected- Did you write that down? my relationships are random, and unstable, if I can stand them, I like it like that- they're generally more brief then expected, thats my fault, I know- Bukowski, are you listening? Jesus, are you fucking listening? I didnt think so... I want to go this way, if your up for it, you can meet me where ends meet.

MY bullshitters paradise is just that, bullshit, Im not happy at all that you said so, Im actually pretty fuckin pissed, but thank you. Im not angry at you, I know whats wrong with me, and I could change it. Im not scared because I cant figure out what I want. I know what I want, I want this, I want to stay right where I am. I dont take medication for my problems partly because I dont believe in conventional therapy, but mostly because Im inspired through it, I like what I can do with it. I like being crazy, and random and scary, part of me even gets off on lying to people about it. Thats why I dont show my emotions. and I really. hate. that you see through the bullshit. In any case, thanks, right now Im content with it, but later, I'll probably think about it, make it more complex than it actually is, I'll try to run, even if you dont let me, that'll probably just tweek me, I'll run faster. Thats what would happen in any other scenario, but right now, Im fucking okay with it. WHAT THE FUCK...!!!!!!!! I might not mind eating something greek. Right now, I DO want the vampire out of you.

Kyle says: "the most predictable thing about nicole is that shes unpridictable. the strange thing about life, is without your lungs you'll die, but if you pay attention to the way that you breath, or the way that anybody breathes for that matter, you can breathe any consistancy of air from heavy to light, or light to heavy, thick or thin... you know that they even have liquid oxygen? strange how lungs are one of the most important parts of the body, and they only do one thing: they breathe. thats it, randomness, you wanted me to say something, thats random jank, J-A-N-K." -KYLE

Head First, Gemini-

I like this: off the rim.- I dare someone to try and surprise me again. Or understand me when I'm half asleep, daydreaming, and talking random nonsense about the smell of blue ponies. I am not an easy explination. In a dream I had, the devil asked me to relive the memories of my couch, I told him I just might name fifty or so people. "How can you explain yourself- and explain me- and know it without saying a word-even when I do- and not even have it be your intention?"

tonight, I walked out onto my back porch for a smoke and had one of those intense-cigerette-dropped-out-of-my-mouth-and-I-could-sense-it-with-everything-considerations- its a little hard to explain exactly what that means or why its so important, it might have been the rain smell, but, my dangerous poets: I want to thank you. you brought back something I didnt think I could find anywhere but in trees and horse hair back home.- -tongue. in . cheek.-- thats how you make me think, my insomniac friends- my eyes are burning but I dont care. Im going to sell everything and paint in the yard. and I think I could mix you all in with the charcoal sky because right now even that dull shade of black moves me----------------------------------------------------- just... thank you.

I said: show me your blood. -Why?-I want to know how alone in this I really am. I didnt expect that black liquid to be so thin. This is something I want to rub between my fingers. I am right here. Why is that so wrong? I think I'll sleep on it. I miss my mom anyways.

JAMES:

I told you once, don’t nail it up- You diamond- I don’t want to know whether we’ll be here too much longer- A real artist would set it on the floor- Put down that cigarette, -wipe that smirk you hide behind off your face- And fucking talk to me- tell me- What are you hiding?- I already know but I want you to say it - I want to know what about me made such a mess of you- I want you to stop justifying what you did and just apologize - I was driving back down that thick road we went back and forth on so many times- Last winter- To our expired stomping ground- And I echoed back to that small hard wooded place we shared- Where we made greek salads and never did the dishes- And we had a bed but we slept on the floor- That memory was loud- I liked it- But I don’t want it back- It was wonderful but I don’t miss it- And when I woke up there the other day- I wasn’t even overwhelmed- It wasn’t even about the memories anymore- Its not hard going back, -and Im not even slightly tempted to stay- I don’t even feel the bad energy you moved in and fucked our home into- I just remembered sitting at our big table, a couple days before Christmas, -you were asleep, -we had no money, -we were starving and very much in love--- And I want to know, why cant we just leave it at that?- We both know we’re not in love anymore.- Why do you have to relegate the memories?- Why do you have to dissect every little argument, -trying to figure out what went wrong or find a reason for it to be my or your fault?- It is what it is.- We don’t love each other anymore.- That’s not all bad. - Why couldnt you just leave it at that?-

hey kids- drugs makes stupid smart thoughts

November 2004::::: I could find contentment in nothing to holy- or even in the dirt- the dirt I turn my thoughts over in- I know Im not a poet through my writing- theres nothing I've held so close to me- but truth is angry- lies that never knew the words- i want to show everyone- that I dont care to much for anything-I've never felt so much of others anger- and still remained so nuetral- (sic) for effect:- dope hurts, kids.... influences: teenaged angst, methanfedamines, pills, pink floyd, angry step fathers...

winterish- the weekish Kate came back: god I was angry

I cant write anymore lately- I've said it before- its hard when you've gotten used to shutting hurt out- But right now, it hurts so damn bad, Triggers: Marilyn Manson, Drunk last 3 nights, Kate's caught and I can fucking taste it- What now?- Im trying to be a back bone- or fall back- whatever the fuck you want to call it- But to be honest, I want it just as bad- I only write like this now- and I guess I dont have to explain what this is, because, well, you can see it- and reading this... you wouldnt even understand- Im fucking dead- Im empty- This feeling: like anger is nuetral, high is happy, and dead with crimson dead thoughts- like reflection is real and theres nothing behind it- Happy is fucking estatic- beautiful- clouds and stars under me- everything else is dead so it doesnt fucking matter- I was real when it was in me- Im alive now-

Today, I made a frame in my mind,- and placed inside it, all the important things.- Statuesque: I want to tell you, your barely there- if you ask me with out saying a word, I might just tell you everything.- I want you to know,- Im not that dangerous whore you speak of.- Yes, I am still rutted, I've been here for a little over 2 years,- I havent painted since then, - or taken a picture, - or anything else - that I could use as a back up to the I-call-myself-an-artist claim. - Except maybe jot a few words about it.- I told you once,- Im still stuck in the foot notes stage,- That was about 2 years ago.- But I feel it coming, I've just got to find the time,- and lose the debt,- and quite my job and sell everything.- thats it, I just need more floor space,- a bigger canvas- more room to move,- less comittments, -and leave the love where it is.- I like that-------