RIGHT HERE

Right here is where you raised me. Right here is where I changed. Where your words eat away at my mind. And the endless skies inspire me. Right here is where I hate you. Where I have nothing better to do then find ways to take me out of my mind, Make me like where I am, make me forget how you've hurt me, make me forget that I've forgotten who I am. Right here is where the world ends. Where every road you take will take you to the stars. And the skies are filled with crazy pinks and blues. Right here is where the sun is so cold. And everything is so grey. Where the rain cant save me anymore. Where the purple nights are so beautiful. And the sky is so round, I forget how alone I am. How trapped I feel, how much I've changed. How deep I've crawled inside myself. How I fall all over myself trying to find a way out. How the things that used to make me scream are gone, and how I miss them. I look at all my old pictures and remember what I used to have, and how happy I was to leave it. Now I'm crying because I miss it. And no matter how hard I care, things will never be the same. Right here is where I hate my life. Right here is where the poetry poisened my mind. I feel the words burning inside me. And when it comes out, and I see what I've done, it makes me love it here. It makes me hate myself because I'll always be here. Thinking about what my past could have been like, what my future might be like. And the only comfort I can find only makes it worse. Right here is so beautiful. I'd give anything to get away. 

STILL HERE

When the clouds ring themselves, throwing at us spears of water and forgiveness, to wash away all our sins. And all I see is moonlit fields and tree shadows. I'm not scared. I'm not hoping for anything. I'll always be here, and I will find you. Everything glows dark, shows me lost ambition, makes me wonder what I'm still doing here. I cant move. I wont let go if this moment. Even if it never gives me all the answers, when my life is flashing in front of me, weaving in and out, through the shadows, all the way around. And all I see is dark and hate; Hate for those who hate, hate for love, and everything that went wrong. For this moment, and all the things I see that I just cant place. Hate for nothing at all.

On the floor, watching the flies with their disreputable dances, obsene thoughts of what it would be like for you if I was gone. The thought of you choking, convinced it was your fault, almost seems serene to me. Born a base-born fuck-up, held against for every tone of voice I spat in front of me. And still you ask me why I'm so stubborn. I've never been displine's bitch, making me contridict everything you say, to keep up the reputation you, without a doubt, imprinted onto me. No consilation prize for trying my hardest. and still I'm wondering why I never left when I had the chance. When what was left by him fed my curiousity, and what you gave me to ease the pain kept me in bed for days. I knew leaving my addictions was the price I'de have to pay for leaving you. I knew it was your fault. I couldnt do it. and now? wondering. wondering why Im still determined to prove something. it doesnt even have to be about you. or for you, it never was. there's no need for me to explain myself to you. everytime I tried, it proved to be malific. I gave you a nervous breakdown that night. You came home drunk, and told me to go fuck myself, I wasnt worth your time. Your discrimination brought me back to this point. and I screamed, "You created me!" And still your lectures roll off your tongue and through your teeth, almost like you've got nothing better to say. I quitely walked up to my room. Bumped up and split it open again. Like I wanted everyone to see just how far down you've broke me. like weakness was something to be proud of. I proved you right. 

truce?

You said: this is why I hate you No I won’t explain, and yes I could if I wanted to that’s reason enough. no wonder you’re losing everyone

I disagree, I said, You lost me first, I’m just trying to be happy, I know I’m off...

“You changed”

I know. That’s a good thing right? You haven’t changed since I met you. Tell me, what the fuck have you learned from all this?

“I’ve learned to agree to disagree” he replied

Fuck! No, I’m saying, darling, walk in my shoes for a day Relive my life; you were there for most of it Why disagree with me, why are you still here? And what’s your reason? Why haven’t you changed?

And your reply: I have reason I’m just not going to tell you, and yes, that still makes you wrong, you don’t deserve an explanation because I’m not man enough to admit it.

“But why, I’ve poured my heart out to you, I loved you, you tried to kill me, I deserve an explanation”

“You through the lamp at me!!!”

I disagree, I said, “I know you better that you know yourself, you asked for it, you like it rough, remember…”

“I know, but I’m wise, I speak 3 languages, more people love me that you, I can dance salsa, I can play guitar better than you, and I have a fake ID.”

And I reply: “I’m happy with here, and now, I’ve said it before, the dry and dull, laughter and music, learning from love, I hate you, I hate your resentment, yes I do like girls, remember? You liked that… I’m ok with not being better than you, steak and potatoes are fine every once in a while, I still eat off newspaper, I still eat my emotions, and cry in the closet, I’m still an alcoholic, I still want to live in a tree, I’m still a horrible dancer, I haven’t changed that much have I? The only thing that’s really changed is I’m not stupid enough to keep bending over backwards for something that will never change, I don’t love you anymore, I said I’m sorry, what more do you want from me?”

“Meow”

What the fuck is that sapose to mean?

"I still love you", he said , "I wont tell you why, because I don’t know, that’s reason enough."

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 43% Stability 56% Orderliness 26% Accommodation 83% Interdependence 50% Intellectual 56% Mystical 83% Artistic 90% Religious 43% Hedonism 63% Materialism 30% Narcissism 43% Adventurousness 83% Work ethic 36% Self absorbed 30% Conflict seeking 23% Need to dominate 23% Romantic 36% Avoidant 56% Anti-authority 70% Wealth 16% Dependency 36% Change averse 36% Cautiousness 70% Individuality 76% Sexuality 56% Peter pan complex 63% Physical security 63% Physical Fitness 37% Histrionic 30% Paranoia 63% Vanity 16% Hypersensitivity 30% Female cliche 23%

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